Theory Of Moreness

I‘ve noticed something about this phenomenon lately and that is when you are single, no chicks are keen on you. But the very moment you are attached or heading that way, suddenly options opened up like its raining women. What’s up with that man! Before it’s like a barren land where all the chicks are either attached or just not keen on you. The moment you focus more on one and make some serious headway, another few appears. What do you do then? Abandon ship? Date them all? Why can’t they appear around the same time so it’s fair to get a feel which lady is more right. Why is it that when you are closing in, more ladies start giving you the ‘hello there’ look. The phenomenon of one equals more. That’s how I would term it.

When I was married there were some pretty hot ones around. Then when I wasn’t so married, everyone’s gone. You need to have one to get more. Somehow ladies are like insecure bees. They need to see a fellow bee hanging around some flower to be sure that this nectar is sweet. If the flower is available with its nectar wide open, no bees will hover there. It’s like hey girls, this one must be bland. Let’s skip it and see where the others are camping. Something’s got to be wrong with this one. Let me know how you get one bee to stumble in and you may possibly be on a verge of a bee assault.

So now I have a dilemma, to proceed or to wait around and see how the others will turn up. Colleagues are introducing interesting options suddenly when the very same ones were not so forthcoming months ago. Ladies are coming forward making their admiration for you known. What’s up with that! Where were all these months back? Or is it just the God of breaking jinxes of ‘no babes on your front seat’ have finally gotten to my indexed book of prayers? At this moment, it is very tempting to get greedy I suppose. But I guess a bird in hand is better than two in the bush. In this case more than two. Sigh. Back to slow cooker. Least she’s more or less a keeper. Double boil soup here I come!

Bordering Madness.

Work has been bordering between ridiculous and insane. I learnt something and that is if you are not working for an MNC but a local boss, try not to be too competent or you find yourself swamp with more responsibilities and more work. We can’t entrust this to him nor can we expect much from the others, hey we still got you. Here you go. Get this done. And there. More work less table space. I swear I had the neatest table when I first started. Now I barely see it anymore. Sometimes I forget that it’s even there.

More departments are looking for you, everyone’s lips are mouthing your name. When there is a problem you can’t solve you know who to call. It is kinda like the 80’s Ghost Buster movie. Who do you call? Handle it all! I now understand why under my job description when I first signed the dotted line, it says you do whatever the company ask of you and not what your title suggest.

My colleagues laughed when I pasted a note that reads ‘So busy I am going nucking futs!’ Initially I thought it was funny too. Not anymore. One day I will list out the things that I hate under that note too.

I attempted to save some dough and be an ID for my new home. I always envisage my home to look like some resort. Then the Feng Shui master turned it into something else which I have to live with since I paid him a grand to work out what’s best for the home. Next came the parents who have their ideas of how they would like it too.

I know why now kids don’t want to live with them. It sucks when it is your responsibility to provide a roof for them and sucks when you don’t make enough to buy one for them so you can live on your own. So anyway, buying lightings, bathroom accessories, tiles, furnishing, creating space, the look, all these belong to the expert. Take my advice. Leave it to them. Attempting them on your own is suicidal. Especially when you are on your own. Luckily I have a buddy who owns a renovation company Serengeti and gave his time and advice on doing up your own home. Not like the sitcom Home Improvement starring Tim Allen but hey still a very big THANK YOU Jeremy! Couldn’t have done it without you bro.

So now I have a home that is something I can call my own with some of my signatures, some of my parents and some footprints of my dog. But I am still proud of it considering it looked like crap when I first laid eyes on her. It’s coming up slowly but first I need to give the wallet a rest and my overworked credit card a massage and spa treatment. They need it and so do I. Man, another 11 days to pay day. Arrrgh!

A Very Short Kobe Affair.

She was beautifully curved, skin as white as porcelain china with a warm personality and fantastic abilities to please you. Who would have thought I would meet one as unforgettable as her. At every opportunity when I wasn't working, I spent it with her. It was the most beautiful five days of my life.

When we touched down in Kobe six nights ago, I was tired and in an irritable mood having endured through a rough six hour flight and another hour and a half ride to the hotel. It was a pretty new hotel having never stayed there before, The B Kobe. Nice reception with modern touch to it. The receptionists, save for the manager were all wearing cool smart outfits. The guys were decked in suits and red polo and the ladies in a simple grey cotton tees and pants. Got our card access to our rooms, checked in and there she was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I have been to Kobe a couple of times but never had I met one as classy and sophisticated as she.

It’s a super upgrade version I tell you. There are so many functions available it’s fantastic. I am talking about the greatest toilet bowl ever made. EVER! Click a button on a device mounted on the wall, the seat cover lifted. Pending on the business order of the day, you can select big or small flush. Of course these are just the basic stuff you find in most hotels in Japan I assume. But there’s more! When you sit on it, it’s heated to ensure your cold butt is in heaven. When you are done negotiating your tough business deal, you need to clean up the mess and here’s where it goes right up a notch to awesome. Pending on how you like it, straight no nonsense approach or the softer spread out touch, you choose your preference. Personally, the straight no nonsense is a little too in your face, well in this case ass, I prefer the softer approach to things. If the angle is not really right, you can push another button to adjust them to meet your needs.

Of course there are days when foul play is involved and you need something to clear the air. Click on this other button and a vacuum appears and sucks out all the air around your ass. I am guessing it’s a vacuum because you can’t really see with your butt seated while the action is all happening below it but it sounds like a vacuum alright. So after the washing up, there’s nothing like a dripping wet ass to gross you out. What do you do? Easy, press the ass dryer button. I kid you not. It blows out air to dry the offending area! I cannot describe my joy any more than to say you got to try one yourself.

Heartbreaking was the word when you have to leave one as wonderful as her behind. But I guess as they say it, its better to have loved than never experienced it before. For now it will be just sweet memories as I sit on my home throne version 1.01 reminiscing how great 3.01 was. I will be back my Kobe beloved.

Wild dogs and hot pants.

So I was at the latest IT show with a date, hey she wanted to grab something for herself though I kind of wish it was me, and I have to say you see the craziest people there. We were coming up to this two oldish dudes in typical outfits, checker shirts tucked out with waist pouches around their but of course waist, and one of them was profusely apologizing to a couple facing them.

One of the dude was trying to play mediator in his best English ‘He orledy say solly already. Ok? Solly ok. Solly ah.’ The guy they were apologizing to was pretty brutish. Built like a Mastiff with a face all mothers will reject, baseball cap, heavy frame glasses to probably cover his lack of charm. On his blind side was his Chiwawa girlfriend and she didn’t look any better. He probably didn’t know if he should accept the guys’ apologies or bite them so in the end for good measures, he gave the mediator a hard shove on his shoulder. I guess he was waiting for a retaliative push so he could rip the old fogies apart and pass his gal a bone to gnaw on. The guys figured a shove is better than getting rabies and they moved on after that episode.

Oh come on! It’s the IT show. Tens of thousands throng the place hunting for bargain of the season. You are bound to unintentionally bump into others and sometimes jab them with your purchases. Hey I got my foot run over by some guy pulling his printer on a trolley. You don’t see me sinking my teeth into his ankles in retaliation. Grow up man.

IT shows are the best place to check chicks out and I am not referring to the consumers. I am talking about the salesgirls! God! You should have seen the outfits some of them are decked in. Mini hot pants that showed a good portion of cracks from the top and cheeks from the bottom. Nice. If you are at that, might as well not wear anything. Come to think of it, all new product entrants to the show should always hire chicks that barely wear anything. You are definitely going to get a lot of eyeballs and not to mention raise awareness. If they keep bringing these chicks in, I am not going to bring a date there the next time!

Dr. Feel Good.

I think everyone’s has to have one of these Dr. Feel Good. The gender of the doctor doesn’t really matter. What matters most is their ability to turn your not so great day into one that goes into a good start no matter how late the day already is. It’s really useful as they do nothing but massage your ego. All you need is to go ‘I am feeling lousy today Dr. Feel Good’ and he or she will go into this barrage of verbal flower bath cleansing your wounds. ‘I love the way you look today’, ‘You look really awesome in shirt and pants’, ‘Your bad mobile is the most comfortable ride I have EVER taken. It feels like home’, ‘There’s no other guy as great as you.’ You get the picture. The good doctor will go on and on until you signal you are reborn again. The world is once again a beautiful place.

I had one. Then he has to go tender his resignation to my boss. Nuts. Where am I going to find the replacement? He is as rare as a leprechaun. It’s not quite the same saying all that to yourself in the mirror every morning. ‘How ARE you doing?’ ‘Looking sharp.’ Don’t quite cut it. You need to hear it from a neutral third party even though it’s just from the good ‘o doc whom you know will only dispense goodies. This sucks man. Going to miss having you around Steven. All the best mate.

If you can’t find yourself a leprechaun, I have this other solution to bring some laughs to chase away the gloom you may be feeling. I think she is highly talented and awesomely funny to boot. Helps that she is GORGEOUS. She will make it big time, mark my words. Oh and she is GORGEOUSLY HOT. Reading her blog is like watching one of those old black and white Charlie Chaplin slapstick movies ‘cept that she is GORGEOUSLY CUTER than he will ever be. Check her out, ahem, I mean her blog at http://www.stickgal.blogspot.com/ Oh did I forget to mention that she is GORGEOUS?

A Set of Metal Knife & Fork.

I do not know if it’s a combination of a lack of sleep, work, loads of Kirin beer and harmless looking sakae pumped into my guts or just memories but all it took was a set of metal knife and fork on a flight back from Japan to bring tears to my eyes. And I blamed it on those damn hooligans who caused us so much grief with air travel.

I mean there’s so much restrictions to what we can, well mostly cannot, bring on air travel today to such an extend that I once had a small and I mean puny small pair of scissors confiscated from my hand carrier. What am I going to do with that? Hijack the plane with it? ‘Take me to oh I don’t know, ok Anfield! I demand it! Or I shall ravage your hair with this mean looking pair of paper sissors!’ And here I am seated on a flight back home with my pre-packed lunch served with a set of long metal knife and fork. Gee, surely they won’t be afraid of these. I am certain my scissors would triumph over them anytime. After all, it is stronger than paper and its only nemesis is stone. Sheesh.

Anyway, so I was just about to slice my warmed up wholesome bun with this harmless knife and that’s when it hit me. Kinda like some type of time travel, I was brought decades, yes I am that old, back and seated next to me on the plane was my grams.

Like all sweet old ladies, she had this habit of pushing all the food she thought would be best for her favourite grandchild. The bun, the chicken and she would eat the rest which he doesn’t like, veggies and whatever not. Of course I would push them all back to her as I got my own meal to sort out. Unless if its dessert! And after the meal, she would peer over her shoulders and when the coast is clear, wrapped the set of cutleries with the cloth napkins and slipped them into my hand carrier much to my chagrin.

Every time I travelled with her, I loathed having to sit next to her as the inevitable will happen. Its embarrassing grams I would wail to her when we disembarked. We have loads of them bought from the stores why do we need any of these from the airline? She would just smile and say she likes the quality of these.

I finished my meal while trying hard to compose myself, it wouldn’t be nice to be seen tearing over the food by my boss who was just a seat away though he would probably think I was crying over the awful lunch. I peered over my shoulder and when the coast was clear, I slipped my set of metal knife and fork into the hand carrier. For old time’s sake grams. This one’s for you wherever you may be. I miss you.

Number 1 & Counting!

Lately I noticed something has been happening. Something that I have been talking about from the very beginning which is hot chicks paying more attention to me and my hot rod. She is cute. Standing no more than 1.6m tall, long silky hair, slim with legs that’s so smooth and nicely packaged if you know what I mean. Every time I drive into the parking lot under my block when she’s around, she would do a quick check on herself in the reflection of the car she’s standing near and pretend not to notice me. And I would catch her sneaking peaks at me after I parked and intentionally rummage through my dashboard to gather my stuffs which are usually nothing. This sets me up nicely to do my return sneak peaks to see if she is still looking. Nice. Finally, the anti jinx god is doing something about my request. Finally some hot babe is checking me and my bad mobile out.

Here’s the problem. When she is taking sneak peaks, it is usually because her bad ass looking boyfriend of hers is getting something in the car. Hence it gives her an opportunity to look and maybe admire. Ahem. Ok fine. Look. There is one time I noticed she sent him packing to a different parking lot away from her while leaving her standing and the freedom to cast longer looks as I slowly drive off and from my rear mirror I see her standing silently wishing she could do more as we move further apart. Such sadness in her eyes as she seem to want so hard to just say hello. Alright maybe it’s just me who want to say hello but she started it first. Here’s yet another problem, she looks barely past twenty two and for all I know she is looking for a brotherly or worst fatherly figure and I fit the bill perfectly. Wonderful. Perhaps I should have read the whole book on doing something about babes not in your hot rod before I burnt it. I could have missed out the parts where you have to request for the babes to also lust after you and not look upon you as an elder. Jumping the gun sucks.

Anyone knows where I can get the book that helps you break the jinx of babes who just think of you as brotherly or fatherly figure?

Two Scrambled & One Hardboiled.

I just have to write this. It tinkled me and I just couldn’t get the image off my head for a while. So I was turning into a lane from the main road and in my rear mirror I see a dirt bike or what we sometimes called scramblers roaring after my babe. Alright he was not exactly trying to get ahead of my awesomely wonderful bad mobile. What? A little self indulgence wouldn’t kill ok? Anyways, the scrambler screamed past me as it over took followed by another closely behind both tearing up the lane. As they went over a speed hump, the riders looking lean and smart in their dirt kit and snazzy helmets both stood up from their seated position and glided gracefully over it and sat right back down. Almost like Billy Elliot doing his swan lake movements minus the din they created along the way but hey it wouldn’t be the same had it been silent. Dirt bikes are meant to be dirty as they are loud.

Seconds later, I hear another incessantly loud din from another bike coming up behind me and I figured it should be the third scrambler trying to catch up with his friends. What I saw however going past me furiously was an army standard issue gray t shirt glad wrapped around this overweight rider looking like he was on an undersize Yamaha 125cc bike. With his white helmet on, he resembled Humpty Dumpty with a bad haircut trying to balance himself on a kiddy tricycle as he sped up in what looked like an attempt to race with the two dirt bikes. Over the speed bump Humpty went without slowing down and he bounced up and down from his seat as he pushed his machine on at maniac speed. He looked really silly and to be honest pretty sad. It is like some awkward kid who badly wants to be one of the cool guys but is always going to finish second best.

Thank you Humpty for cracking me up, pun totally intended, and I hoped you didn’t require all the Kings horses and all the Kings men to put you back together again. You are a Hoot Dude!

Ripped Off

Have you ever driven into a parking facility and the time states 3 minutes before 5pm and then as you go through, you notice there’s a sign that says per entry charge after 5pm? What the…….! So I went in 3 minutes before 5 and had to pay for the 3 minutes entry as an hour’s charge plus the per entry charge after 5pm! What a bloody rip off! You feel like an idiot really. Cheated by the woman you thought loves you and cleaned out everything in your home save for your dirty laundry. Ok maybe that’s not really a close analogy but heck it’s the same feeling of getting ripped off all the same.

So, I figured since I have to pay so frigging much for the 1 hour parking I might as well stay there beyond the hour. Here comes rip off feeling number two. It gets worse I can let you in on that. Wandered about the mall I chanced upon this small electronics shop selling some pc sound system and they had a sale sign on this fabulously designed woofer and mini speakers. Fabulous also because it fits into my new home design concept and fabulous because of the sound its singing from those small system. Not to mention the fabulous price they are on sale at. Least that’s what the overweight sales guy led me to believe. He said the original price is at least 40% more. Turned up the volume of the system and he had me ready to give him my plastic. I was blown away by what it can do. Signed and wrapped.

Two days later, while accompanying a friend in an electronics department store I saw the very same speakers going for 15% lesser than the price I had paid for. What the…..! It’s even cheaper than the ‘sale’ price I got mine for. Why that little weasel! It felt like having one of your nuts pulled out! First the extra parking fees I had to fork out. Now I found that the ‘sale’ wasn’t a sale??!!! What a crap day that was.

Fast forward two days later and another electronics store had a sale on the very same speakers. Yet a further 15% cheaper which makes it 30% lesser than what I had paid mine for! And they are throwing in a set of headphones for free! I just got my remaining nut yanked out. I have no more nuts left so please no more further ‘SALE’. I am going back to that shop to rip off that fat ass sales man’s nuts to replace mine. He wouldn’t have noticed they are gone anyway given his humongous beer belly.

Sale my ass!

Road Diarrhoea!

Ok enough deviation from my original intention of this blog which is supposed to be all about my baby and me. Ok mostly me. No more horror kiddy stories. Have you ever had one of those days when you have a reaaaaaaaally big need to go? And by go I mean you are like seemingly miles away from the nearest public rest room and you feel another big one coming right out of your ass. Yeah the big dreaded diarrhoea. They sneak up on you when you least expected and then KAPAO! It’s out of control. Kinda like IBS – Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But of course this post isn’t about that either.

What got me on this was I was cruising down the freeway just the other day with my newly washed and waxed sweetheart and man there was this trail of mud droppings on the road with lumps of it every mile followed by utter mess. Seems to me like some truck had a little too much hot spicy chicken! It went on for like ten miles and it was horrifying trying to avoid it. Of course the inevitable happened. Gushes of wind and some peals of rain later, I got myself a crap mobile. It was like some idiot thought its funny throwing a diaper full of wet baby crap at you. How enchanting and it’s got to happen after I washed my bad mobile.

This reminds me of a story when I was a trainee in the military. A fellow trainee had a bad case of runs in the wee hours of the morning which is fine except that it sprung such a surprise on him that he couldn’t react fast enough to get out of bed and into the wash room. And as if that’s not bad enough, some trainees had by then developed a habit of laying their mattress on the floor at night to sleep and he had to maneuver his way around them and probably over them as he did his obstacle course and the ten meters mad dash.

I am pretty certain at least two of them slept with their mouths wide opened. Tantalizing thought. By dawn, sets of awakening sleepy heads were beginning to realize there is a brown trail on the floor which did a series of curious ballroom steps of twists and turns around beds and over a couple of low lying mattresses, into the bath area before trekking back to the main area of business. I remember distinctly also a couple of guys doing a major half hour long of teeth brushing and massive mouth wash gurgling.

Oh and they moved their mattresses back to bed that night.

I am privileged.

I did say I cannot stand screaming kids. But I do make an exception when it comes to kids that live like there is no tomorrow. I am talking about kids who are terminally ill. Kids who do not know if they are going to wake up the next morning and doing so each day is a blessing. Every year I try to do my stint as a volunteer in a children’s camp meant for these kids and the four days spent with them there is nothing less than a privilege. You would think that it is you who are trying to make their time in camp one filled with happiness but when you go away, you leave learning so much more from them. Every volunteer goes away learning something different about themselves and life’s privileges. It was unfortunate I was surplus to requirement this year it being a scaled down event but I did get to be involved as a day tripper in charge of a booth in a carnival set up for them.

Nothing leaves me more pleased to see some of these kids that I remembered from previous camp. They have grown so much. One had even left her wheel chair behind and started to walk. You cannot imagine the happiness that envelops you when you see familiar faces making progress and you hope many more in the years to come. I am grateful and privileged to be a small part of this group.

On a separate note, the Imperial Army came down to the camp today and marched about to the delight of the kids and myself. Well at least I was. Too bad Vader couldn’t make it. He’s in Japan on a holiday. Even the big guy needs a break. I heard he is trying to gather more to join the dark side. I want to join the dark side but it cost 2k to suit up. With my impending purchase of a roof over my family’s head I guess it’s going to have to take a backseat. These guys show up for all charity events for kids and I would love to be a part of them. Maybe as Boba Fett but he cost 3k. Damn. Looks like I have to give up dating chicks if I am going to be able to afford to suit up. Crap if I knew that they have something like this, I may not have invested in my bad mobile. Between bad mobile and Boba Fett or the Imperial Army, it’s the dark side anytime!

Screaming kids investigated.

Being so not a parent, I felt I needed to get to the bottom of the whole screaming deal. Girls screaming I can understand. It goes way past childhood into womanhood. But boys? So I asked a dad whose kids are always screaming just to see who runs out of breathe first and be crown the champ with first rights to the ladies. I suppose it kinda work the same way like in the animal kingdom. The king of the jungle gets all the chicks, so does the walrus. Man those guys can literally kill their woman with their size. Calm down ladies, by size I meant their weight. So I figured that the screaming part is to impress the chicks just like how the alpha male peacocks would spread their finest feathers in front of their babes to be. Then it occurred to me. This can’t be right. The kids are only 3. Their lives evolve around Barney the purple talking T-Rex and his silly songs and chocolates. It can’t be about the ladies.

Apparently, the screaming is a result of a lack of vocabulary to express themselves. So like when they want to say ‘I am sooooooo psyched up about the upcoming event’ they will attempt it by going…’I am so err………AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ Yeah that’s what I was trying to say. Comprendo? No? Ok I say again. ‘I ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ Yes? So it seems that when they get excited and can’t find a better word to express how pleased or overwhelmed they are about something they scream and sometimes run around in circles at the same time in maniac speed.

Everything seems to make a lot of sense now. There is a reason for it after all. It’s not about the prize for winning the loudest and longest scream nor is it about getting the ladies. It’s about expressing oneself in their way and style. Some do it with the all time classic favourite standing still mouth wide open scream, others put in a little creativity with their scream and spinning themselves at the same time.

So when I get to my room and there’s this really gorgeously hot woman lying on my bed wearing next to nothing smiling at me, I should consider this form of expression of delight. Screaming and running around in circles until I passed out dizzy. I am sure that’s going to help me score with the ladies. Maybe I should just stick to what I know is safer. Call the local police and lock myself in the washroom till they rescue me. When a stranger, no matter how hot she is lies naked on your bed waiting for you to come home, something’s got to be wrong. Or maybe there’s something really wrong with me.

Kids without pants.

I know this has nothing to do with my bad mobile but I just don’t get it. I walked into my friend’s home and there they were. Kids. Kids running around in their briefs. What’s the deal? I asked ‘Hey little man, why aren’t you wearing any pants. You forgot about them after attending to some personal business?’ And their moms replied they are in their briefs. Duh. I can see that. It is cute when little boys are running around semi naked but it’s an offence for a grown man to do that in his own home? I just don’t get it. Why can’t I go around in my Calvin Klein’s and greet my guests who happened to drop by? Put on some pants dude! What’s wrong with you? Oh and its oooooooookay for your kids to be running around in their Spiderman underpants. Sure….nice.

I don’t know much about parenting and that’s probably because I don’t have any kids to begin with. Unless there are some of mine whom I do not know of and I hope they don’t start the introduction with a daaaaaaaadddddddddddy on the phone. But how do you put up with the screaming???!!! It’s amazing how 2000 decibels can come out of those puny lungs! One kid starts screaming and the rest will try to outdo each other. It suddenly becomes a contest and there’s not even a prize at the end of it! What’s the whole point of it all? Heck what is the whole point of even screaming if there is nothing even scary to begin with. I believe their parents have all become deaf as a result of it. It is the only possible explanation I can come out with if not how can they not be affected by it and it seems just like pre dawn serenity? I get a splitting headache from that and it makes me want to bolt out of their home screaming. Ok maybe just the bolting out of their home bit.

I just don’t get it. I believe if I were to suddenly start screaming in the room full of adults, they will for starters give me strange looks and probably do the next most logical thing. Edge away slowly without creating too much attention and at the same time trying to make it look natural. That guy is crazy, stay far away. Better yet, let’s leave the room before he starts shooting people. Hey come on guys. I have seen the kids do it. They seem to enjoy it. Let’s all scream and see who’s got the loudest and most piercing one. It’s going to be a blast!

I just don’t get it.

Daddy!

So I was just minding my own business when my office mobile rang. Irritated because it was the weekend, I grunted a hello. Over the other line was this little girl’s voice not over 4 years old whining daaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddddddy! That sent all my senses haywire. A million thoughts went through my mind in that split second of pause. Alright, it was more like three thoughts, maybe four at the maximum five but it did seem like a million. All I could come out with was a weak 'huh'.

Daddy??!! I am a daddy? What? When? How is that possible? I may be fertile but which ex girlfriend could have possibly been the one? I was always careful. Nar it can’t be. Could it? I compiled all the possibilities and worked out the combinations and I came to the conclusion 2 seconds later. I gingerly treaded and barely audibly whispered ‘sweetie you got the wrong number.’ Sounded forlorn she replied ‘okay’. That broke me heart. ‘No wait, ok I am daddy’. ‘Hello?’ Phew that was a close one.

I don’t think I will make a good dad especially if it’s going to be a she kid. I mean if it’s a boy that would be easy. Boys are suppose to tumble and fall, get scars and look really pleased with themselves. Girls you tend to want to wrap them in cotton wool. Make sure they don’t get hurt and no boyfriends till they are like 50. ‘Why are your arms around her waist?’ ‘Daaaaaaaaaadddddddddddy! He’s my husband!’

‘Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddy can I get the keys to your bad mobile?’ ‘No.’ Face crinkles and pouts ‘Er ok but be home by 10pm’ ‘But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddy’ with sad puppy eyes. ‘Ok be home by midnight.’ I am going to be such easy meat for daughters. Wuss daddy when it comes to she kids. Any chick still wana have my babies?

Real Babe

Its official! I have finally managed to get a real babe into my bad mobile. She’s got nice eyes, lovely locks of hair and is awesomely cute. She looked around the surroundings of my wheels admiring it for some time, keeping quiet but I think she likes it. From the looks of her telling eyes, I am positive she’s giving it two thumbs up. She looked at me and smiled still saying nothing. And then when its time for me to go she started to cry.

It wasn’t because she is going to miss me or my set of wheels. It’s because her dad said, ‘bye shanny, daddy’s not going with you. You want to go with uncle’ ? And that’s when the tap started to drip and the bawling begun. Arwwwwwwwwwwwww. That’s so cute. Ok I admit it wasn’t really that cute, I just said that to score some points with the ladies. I am not a big fan of tears especially from a fairer sex but bawling from 2 year olds, man those are scary. It makes a grown man all weak and venerable to blackmail. I am glad I am not a dad yet. When the time comes, I think I am going to be a sucker. I may need to work on two jobs then. Those tears, bam! Out comes the wallet. I am going to be such a wimpy dad. I think I should start getting a second job now to prepare for the rainy days in all sense of the word.

I am going to carry on pouting until you give me the keys to the bad mobile!

Chicks! TONS of 'em!

Chicks! TONS of chicks! They are all pilling up in my wheels crammed up front seat and back. All shapes and sizes. Man I take what I said back about burning the spell breaker book. It’s AWESOME! Like an almost daily affair, I have ladies waiting to hop in just as I had envisaged. Well almost. You see they are the ladies in my office. Some call them colleagues. I’ll call them chicks for now. Ok so I kinda exaggerated the whole TONS of chicks bit. But they are of the fairer sex and they are not dudes. So chicks they are! Technically, the chains that bound the doors of my hot rod with its no babes jinx are now broken. Smashed into bits with the Excalibur of Sir Arthur. I mean as long as there are women waiting for me after a long day at work to hop in, it’s the same as chicks fighting for the right to get in.

Alright, I admit. They are waiting for me because they don’t want to make the long walk out of the office building. They are fighting to be the first in the queue because there’s only this number of seats available. Once they are taken up, you walk. Suddenly, I am really popular amongst the ladies in the office. ‘Hey buddy, so nice to see you back in the office.’ One coos. Sure where do you want me to drop you later? Hey until the real chicks show up, I’ll take anything that comes at this point in time. Ok I’ve got self esteem issues. Sue me. It’s chicks galore as far as I am concern at the moment.

I am glad I burnt the damn book.

First Chick

She said it’s really nice, great space and very comfortable seats. Marveled at the shape and its solidly built body. How smooth the ride is and that continentals are really different. See I told you so. I knew that it’s going to be a great investment and how ladies will think its cool too. Thanks mom! I knew you would say it’s a great buy too. Oh shut it. So the first chick that hopped into my wheels impressed is someone I know very well. So she’s my mom. Say anything rude and I’m coming round to kick your butt. And no ride in my bad mobile for you! And it’s not cheating.

I needed someone to break the chain you know what I mean? Its like once the spell is broken, the good things follow. So according to the book on ‘ To break the spell of no babes in your wheels yet. ‘ I needed someone to hop in admiring it that’s not a dude. So in comes good old mom. Sorry I didn’t mean to infer you are old mom. It’s just a phrase. Ok! Ok! I’ll change it. In comes Great Loving Mom. Happy?

So officially after conducting the spell breaking ritual, the flood gates will now be open. Soon the chicks will be banging down the door begging to come in. I’m sure any moment now they will ask if they can get a ride in this beautifully crafted machine. Any minute now it’s going to pour women down from the sky like the song. ‘cept that she’s singing It’s Raining Men. But you get the picture. Any time now. I am waiting. Ok maybe tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. Maybe the spell breaking ritual has to reach the spell god and he’s got his hands full with requests to overturn jinxs. Who am I kidding. I am going to burn the damn book.

Out Of Control

Ok, I am out of control. I need help. While this has absolutely nothing to do with my newly acquired set of wheels, maybe it has in a small way extended to my actions. What I have insanely done was to splurge a big sum of money on a pair of corrective eyewear. What was I thinking??!! Just because I have a continental branded vehicle it doesn’t mean I need to have a corresponding European brand eyewear? Ok so they aren’t exactly related, wheels and eyewear, which makes my buy look even less intelligent.

It was torturous, the battle between the devious cookie monster and the angelical one each ranting their opinions into my ears. I was breaking down. Fast.

Devious Cookie : ‘ Behold how sleek and well crafted this very expensive eyewear look. ‘

Angel Cookie : ‘ Look away from what evil tries to seduce you with. How about this nice looking house brand frame? Economical and nice. ‘

Devious Cookie : Snots. ‘ It looks like its gonna give way any moment. Imagine how dangerous it will be for you on the road. What about the other road users when it gives way and leaves you blind! If not for yourself, think about others! ‘

Angel Cookie : Mocked horrified look. ‘ Wonderful change of tactics. It’s not like this house brand eye wear is made of straws you know. Would you actually see better with a more expensive one? Of course not! You are already half blind to begin with. Those are not going to make your eye sight recover you know. So what’s the point of paying more? ‘

Devious Cookie : ‘ Pay no attention to the less informed. Look let me break it down to you. Can you afford it? Sure you can. Do you feel better when you look better? Of course you do. Check this magical figure out. I can make it all go away. Take this number and divide by the number of years you will be wearing it for. Say 30 months. Ah….now doesn’t it look too affordable? Break it down by another 30 days. TADA! How does it look now? ‘

Angel Cookie : Sulks in a corner.

I have to say, the bad one does have a point here. A very big point. Out came the plastic. Signed and ready to collect in 10 days. Besides the cute optometrist serving me does look impressed. Maybe if the wheels don’t bring me the promised land of babes. This might. I have been told my eyes are beautiful. Ok this might just work out to be a better investment. It better.

I am starting to doubt my decision making process.

Check me out!

So I've been driving this baby for the past 7 days. Its a joy to say the least. Smooth on the road, awesomely light steering and the luminated dials when the lights are turned on. Hell they even illuminate the auto window switches! Sound system is unbelieveable for a factory fitted. Guess somethings are really different with continental. Pet Shop Boys do play better in it. Ok so I like retro. Shoot me.

Caught a couple of people checking out my wheels in the parking lot a few times. Peer in, walk 5 steps back, review it at that distance. Walk towards it again and go around the body from front to back. I hope they are just admiring and not looking to break in and drive off! Now I just need the chicks to start doing the hmmmm...nice set of wheels bit. So far its just dudes. It will happen. Soon. I hope. Please?

In Conversation...

Friend : ‘ Duuuuuuuuuude, I heard you got yourself a set of new wheels. ‘

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Yeah man. It’s got shit load of room space for stretching man. No economy class syndrome. ‘

Friend : ‘ Coooooool. What make and colour is it? ‘

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Its continental and its in sexy black man. It’s got all these cool gadgets and check out this remote with a bling logo key chain. ‘

Friend : ‘ Awesome. You the man! ‘

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Nope. I am the Bad Man who’s gonna get babes to sit in my ride. Hooo yeah. ‘

Friend : ‘ Can I sit in your ride? ‘

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Dude, I said BABES. ‘

Friend : ‘ You ARE a BAD MAN. ‘

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Focus man. I already told you I am the Bad Man. Don’t have to repeat what I already know. ‘

Friend : ‘ Boohoo hooooo ‘ Runs away.

Bad Cookie Monster : ‘ Fairy. ‘

My Bad Mobile

Its finally here. My bad mobile. I've been talking about it for months and how chicks are going to love my continental vehicle. Chicks dig all things continental right? I mean look at the girls flocking to the western bodies. They are so going to love my wheels. Its going to be the bad ass kinda mobile that I envisage. I even got slick lines all thought up , albeit modified movie lines, but heck if they have gone on to become blockbusters I am sure they are worth something. ' To the bad mobile ', ' wanna check out my bad cave? ' or ' you like my bad suit? ' All right so the last two didn't quite make it to the movie dialogue but it doesn't mean I cant make up my own.

So it is. I drive a continental vehicle. Its got great rims, strong suspension, decent sound system with acoustic surrounding and loads of make out space. I am sure its all going to pan out the way I dream its going to be like. Yeah 7 days a week. 7 days worth of babes. Its so going to rock my world.

Picture myself cruising down the highway in my solidly build babe killing machine blasting my stereos to the tune of Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back. Ladies will turn their head and marvel how gorgeous the black bad ass mobile look. Content inside is not important at this moment. Its the body they always check out first. Yeah baby. Head slightly turned, I give them a knowing nod and turn my attention away from them. Its how the game is played. Hard to get. They want you even more when they cant get all your attention. Now they WILL all want to clamour, beat, scratch their opponents in the bid to be the first in the front seat. There's only one ticket and they will get dirty to be THE ONE. Oh I am totally going to enjoy this. Ding Ding. Round one.