Screaming kids investigated.

Being so not a parent, I felt I needed to get to the bottom of the whole screaming deal. Girls screaming I can understand. It goes way past childhood into womanhood. But boys? So I asked a dad whose kids are always screaming just to see who runs out of breathe first and be crown the champ with first rights to the ladies. I suppose it kinda work the same way like in the animal kingdom. The king of the jungle gets all the chicks, so does the walrus. Man those guys can literally kill their woman with their size. Calm down ladies, by size I meant their weight. So I figured that the screaming part is to impress the chicks just like how the alpha male peacocks would spread their finest feathers in front of their babes to be. Then it occurred to me. This can’t be right. The kids are only 3. Their lives evolve around Barney the purple talking T-Rex and his silly songs and chocolates. It can’t be about the ladies.

Apparently, the screaming is a result of a lack of vocabulary to express themselves. So like when they want to say ‘I am sooooooo psyched up about the upcoming event’ they will attempt it by going…’I am so err………AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ Yeah that’s what I was trying to say. Comprendo? No? Ok I say again. ‘I ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ Yes? So it seems that when they get excited and can’t find a better word to express how pleased or overwhelmed they are about something they scream and sometimes run around in circles at the same time in maniac speed.

Everything seems to make a lot of sense now. There is a reason for it after all. It’s not about the prize for winning the loudest and longest scream nor is it about getting the ladies. It’s about expressing oneself in their way and style. Some do it with the all time classic favourite standing still mouth wide open scream, others put in a little creativity with their scream and spinning themselves at the same time.

So when I get to my room and there’s this really gorgeously hot woman lying on my bed wearing next to nothing smiling at me, I should consider this form of expression of delight. Screaming and running around in circles until I passed out dizzy. I am sure that’s going to help me score with the ladies. Maybe I should just stick to what I know is safer. Call the local police and lock myself in the washroom till they rescue me. When a stranger, no matter how hot she is lies naked on your bed waiting for you to come home, something’s got to be wrong. Or maybe there’s something really wrong with me.

Kids without pants.

I know this has nothing to do with my bad mobile but I just don’t get it. I walked into my friend’s home and there they were. Kids. Kids running around in their briefs. What’s the deal? I asked ‘Hey little man, why aren’t you wearing any pants. You forgot about them after attending to some personal business?’ And their moms replied they are in their briefs. Duh. I can see that. It is cute when little boys are running around semi naked but it’s an offence for a grown man to do that in his own home? I just don’t get it. Why can’t I go around in my Calvin Klein’s and greet my guests who happened to drop by? Put on some pants dude! What’s wrong with you? Oh and its oooooooookay for your kids to be running around in their Spiderman underpants. Sure….nice.

I don’t know much about parenting and that’s probably because I don’t have any kids to begin with. Unless there are some of mine whom I do not know of and I hope they don’t start the introduction with a daaaaaaaadddddddddddy on the phone. But how do you put up with the screaming???!!! It’s amazing how 2000 decibels can come out of those puny lungs! One kid starts screaming and the rest will try to outdo each other. It suddenly becomes a contest and there’s not even a prize at the end of it! What’s the whole point of it all? Heck what is the whole point of even screaming if there is nothing even scary to begin with. I believe their parents have all become deaf as a result of it. It is the only possible explanation I can come out with if not how can they not be affected by it and it seems just like pre dawn serenity? I get a splitting headache from that and it makes me want to bolt out of their home screaming. Ok maybe just the bolting out of their home bit.

I just don’t get it. I believe if I were to suddenly start screaming in the room full of adults, they will for starters give me strange looks and probably do the next most logical thing. Edge away slowly without creating too much attention and at the same time trying to make it look natural. That guy is crazy, stay far away. Better yet, let’s leave the room before he starts shooting people. Hey come on guys. I have seen the kids do it. They seem to enjoy it. Let’s all scream and see who’s got the loudest and most piercing one. It’s going to be a blast!

I just don’t get it.

Daddy!

So I was just minding my own business when my office mobile rang. Irritated because it was the weekend, I grunted a hello. Over the other line was this little girl’s voice not over 4 years old whining daaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddddddy! That sent all my senses haywire. A million thoughts went through my mind in that split second of pause. Alright, it was more like three thoughts, maybe four at the maximum five but it did seem like a million. All I could come out with was a weak 'huh'.

Daddy??!! I am a daddy? What? When? How is that possible? I may be fertile but which ex girlfriend could have possibly been the one? I was always careful. Nar it can’t be. Could it? I compiled all the possibilities and worked out the combinations and I came to the conclusion 2 seconds later. I gingerly treaded and barely audibly whispered ‘sweetie you got the wrong number.’ Sounded forlorn she replied ‘okay’. That broke me heart. ‘No wait, ok I am daddy’. ‘Hello?’ Phew that was a close one.

I don’t think I will make a good dad especially if it’s going to be a she kid. I mean if it’s a boy that would be easy. Boys are suppose to tumble and fall, get scars and look really pleased with themselves. Girls you tend to want to wrap them in cotton wool. Make sure they don’t get hurt and no boyfriends till they are like 50. ‘Why are your arms around her waist?’ ‘Daaaaaaaaaadddddddddddy! He’s my husband!’

‘Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddy can I get the keys to your bad mobile?’ ‘No.’ Face crinkles and pouts ‘Er ok but be home by 10pm’ ‘But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddy’ with sad puppy eyes. ‘Ok be home by midnight.’ I am going to be such easy meat for daughters. Wuss daddy when it comes to she kids. Any chick still wana have my babies?

Real Babe

Its official! I have finally managed to get a real babe into my bad mobile. She’s got nice eyes, lovely locks of hair and is awesomely cute. She looked around the surroundings of my wheels admiring it for some time, keeping quiet but I think she likes it. From the looks of her telling eyes, I am positive she’s giving it two thumbs up. She looked at me and smiled still saying nothing. And then when its time for me to go she started to cry.

It wasn’t because she is going to miss me or my set of wheels. It’s because her dad said, ‘bye shanny, daddy’s not going with you. You want to go with uncle’ ? And that’s when the tap started to drip and the bawling begun. Arwwwwwwwwwwwww. That’s so cute. Ok I admit it wasn’t really that cute, I just said that to score some points with the ladies. I am not a big fan of tears especially from a fairer sex but bawling from 2 year olds, man those are scary. It makes a grown man all weak and venerable to blackmail. I am glad I am not a dad yet. When the time comes, I think I am going to be a sucker. I may need to work on two jobs then. Those tears, bam! Out comes the wallet. I am going to be such a wimpy dad. I think I should start getting a second job now to prepare for the rainy days in all sense of the word.

I am going to carry on pouting until you give me the keys to the bad mobile!