MDFT

Given the nature of my work, people tend to associate me with a lot of running. By running I mean serious marathon running where you pound the road on endless lengths of miles. The very thought of running makes me ill. My body rejects exercise. I swear every time I go for a run, the distance akin to a marathon runner doing their pre run stretches, I fall sick. My heart migrates to my knees, my kidneys surface to my chest, I forget my mother’s maiden name and I lose all control of my limbs after 5 minutes. If you ever see some guy running like he is trying to fly, feebly flapping his arms, legs wobbling as it strides forward combine with a major asthmatic wheezing, it is probably me. Cruise up and say hi. I’ll try to return the greeting. Do not take offence if it sounds gibberish. It’s a ‘hi’ attempt at my precarious state.

My brains must have been fried to even make a decision like going for a run. What is wrong with it??!! My body isn’t made for such physical test. It is soft and needs a lot of creature comfort like a nice ergonomic shape sofa with plush memory foam cushions to support my heavy head while I lie there watching re-runs of Friends downing a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chucky Monkey. No, it is not a reference to my chucky state.

So just because I advise customers on their gait, assess their foot type, talk about shoe technology, match their foot to the right pair of shoe while listening to them regale their stories on their runs people assume that I must run too. So where do you run? Are you taking part in the coming marathon? I always tell them the same thing. Different bodies are made for different running distances. Some bodies are made for long distances, some middle distances and some for short distances. Mine’s made for ultra short distances. My specialty event is the MDFT – Mad Dash For Toilet.

My technique for personal best is to down a carton of fresh milk and wait for it. I am lactose intolerant. Then I hold it back till it threatens the last frontier before I do my sprint. Not quite world record yet but I am working on it. I sometimes also compete in the DFLCD – Dash For Last Chicken Drumstick. This requires a lot of agility, speed and brilliant acting. You cannot let your competitors know you are eyeing that very last piece of delicious Kentucky Fried Chicken lying on a greasy plate. You got to act nonchalant, that you have no utter desire for it so that the others will let their guard down before swooping down like an eagle on its prey.

Victory belongs to the fastest. Say’s who this is not the same as an Olympic event. While not quite the gold medal around your neck but then you can’t eat that now could you? What use is that when you are starving? Don’t you dare try for that last Chicken wing, I got my eyes on you.