Boobket.

It’s a new word that I have just created. Yes, you read it right. Boobket. Found in the waters of beautiful Thailand surrounded by the Andaman Sea. Ok so officially it’s named Phuket. But all I saw was boobies everywhere so I am still calling it Boobket. For a hundred baht, you get to laze on the beach chairs under the glorious blazing sun staring into the ocean with passing boobies casting shadows on your face every 20 minutes. Yeah the life of the average retiree, except that I am far from being able to retire and bulk of the boobies there were retireable. I mean who wants to stare at breasts of 60 year olds? You can go blind there. Oh oh not another one! What’s wrong with these people. You don’t flash your boobies unless you are 20 and yummy. Arrgh….it’s shriveled! Someone put a piece of cloth over that! Where are all the beautiful young things? All I see for miles with the naked, pun totally unintended I swear, eye were just rows and rows of roasted white bellies of retirees. They should just rename the place oldket.

My friend brought me to a Go-Go bar which was really aptly named as you really want to go there. Ahahaha. Ok it was pretty lame. Place was called Dragon something, I didn’t really notice as my eyes were peeled on the bikini clad ladies grooving to the too loud music. It was an eye opener which was helpful as I was getting really sleepy. Alright I promise this will be the last of my lame jokes. It was almost past my 11pm bed time and nothing was really going on there. Yeah ok I admit some parts of me are pretty close to being a retiree. Girls with number tags on their minimalist dress code will try their hardest to shake something on their body in the hope that will shake something in you to hand over peels of notes in baht. Boy was I glad we were seated away from the dance top. I couldn’t afford the generosity. Not when I was drowning in my math trying to work out the exchange rate. 1,000 baht is er 4 dollars or 40 dollars or was it 400 dollars? I just didn’t want to lose sleep knowing that I gave away like 10,000 baht to these beautiful happy ladies thinking it was only 4 dollars.

I was getting really bored with the senseless eye candy dancing when my eager waitress informed me that there will be a show coming up. Aha! Now we are talking. The ladies trooped down and were replaced by 4 uniformly dressed hotties carrying an umbrella each and did a choreograph number against Rihana’s Umbrella song. It ended with them fully clothed. I gave my waitress the eye that was supposed to say ‘You mean I stayed back for this Channel 5 background dancers show? I can stay home to watch this.’ She indicated that there will be more to what I just witnessed. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and stayed for another session which came half an hour later.

In all I stayed back for 4 sessions of fully clothed choreograph TCS dance moves. Each time she gave thumbs up indicating great show coming up, each time I gave up half hour of sleep for the same thing in different clothing, different song but the same girls and same ending. With their clothes fully intact. It was almost 3 hours past my bed time, the crowd started to get excited and me dead tired when the real show started. Stream of ladies took to the stage with some clothing but ended up the dance with just their bikini bottom and a couple without it. Now that’s more like a show. Loads of boobies were on display with the only downside that half on show were well, fake.

As I recounted the tales of my first hand experience to my colleagues, a fairer gender asked how was I able to tell if they were fake. She hasn’t seen one herself so she wondered how do you differentiate what Mother Nature gave and what Dr. Phil gave in replacement. Well, to really tell the difference I said for one they don’t bounce when the body is dancing. The respond was ‘Well maybe she didn’t move enough for it to bounce’. Fine, I can accept that. The ultimate give away is when the body twists back and forth during those exaggerated dance movements, the made up moulds moved with in line with the body. Real ones go in the opposite direction. Tada! The answer to the mystical universe.

I left Phuket, Boobket or Oldket with a tip of a couple of thousand baht much to the delight of the hotel counter staff. Man, how little it takes to bring such a happy smile onto the face with a couple of dollars. Or did I give away a couple of hundreds by mistake? Doofusket! I now know how the title ‘Land Of A Thousand Smiles’ come about.